Three Days and Counting

Not a good kind of counting ... the dreaded counting... This seems silly when I type it ... BUT we are going on vac and leaving the "kids" which is fine ... We have done this before ... However the dreaded MIL is staying at our house and it gives me a panic attack just THINKING about it ... I am S.C.A.R.E.D to DEATH ... Will she do this, wont she do that ... Let me explain ... MIL is as NICE as can be ... however she does not remember ANYTHING, sleeps 23 out of the 24 hours in a day ... and her cleanliness needs much improvement ... So the thought of her in my house without me there, cleaning up, reminding her we dont smoke at all ever and do NOT want someone in our house smoking, the dogs are NOT allowed to just pee on the carpet b/c she is napping ... etc etc. .. I am scared ... Typically a friend stays at the house, she is a vet tech, she KNOWS me, and my house is clean the dogs are clean and played out (she has a son who wears them out) ... I am comfortable with her staying ... Unfortunately she is going out of town the same time we are ... my backup person... Out of town as well ... SO our options are pay a million dollars to board the dogs (we have THREE two med and one SUPER GIGANTIC) or leave explicit instructions, leave threatening phone messages and call a hundred and one times a day to remind her not to sleep all day ... My puppy would NOT behave ...I was ok.. she came up I showed her around ... Then she calls and says this or that and I am back to FREAKING OUT !!!! Like seriously ... Almost at the point of cancelling my vaca!! OMG WHAT DO I DO?? I am tempted to just pay out the money and BOARD them ... but it is SO expensive ... The last two years we have always rented someplace that allowed them ... this year we are going to the beach and they are not allowed :( Super sad!!! Sorry for the rant ... but I am at a loss ... I am making a decision TONIGHT ... I just wish my family was closer ... I trust them :)